Miscarriage is not something understood until experienced. Along with the tragedy, comes the grief. It does not matter how long you carried your child, or that you never got to hold that precious child in your arms, as the mother, the bond forms immediately and lasts forever. And with it, the sting of loss and waves of grief. Your heart, body, and soul have been through a traumatic event and it takes significant mental fortitude to move forward.
Moving forward does not mean forgetting nor does it mean that the emotional pain will ever leave, but remember, you are not alone. Miscarriage is common – and although that does not make the feelings hurt any less it does mean there is a community of women that have stood where you stand. In honor of Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day, we rounded up miscarriage quotes from moms who have been there to share with those grieving.
1. Heal, Rest, And Grieve
To me, the most helpful things in grieving and healing were:
- Talking. Being able to talk over everything I was feeling both with a close friend who had also miscarried and with my husband.
- Writing. Being able to share my thoughts through writing. So many people opened up to me after seeing my post who I had no idea had also experienced loss. It is so common but not commonly talked about.
- Family. Having family members who brought over food so I wouldn’t have to think about cooking
- Time off. Taking a little time off work and social events to heal, rest and grieve.
- A Heartfelt Remembrance. A friend sent me a box from an organization called Lullaby of Hope. Their focus is on encouraging women who have lost children, either through miscarriage or other ways. It was so meaningful to me to receive that along with a handwritten note.
Emily is a North Carolina based holistic health coach and outdoor lover who blogs about healthy living, budget travel, and enjoyable movement. Connect with Emily at The Planking Traveler.
2. Three Children (& Two Miscarriages)
Before I left the doctor’s office, the nurse told me something I’ve repeatedly returned to. Moms don’t say I have three children and two miscarriages, rather they simply say I have three children. I return to that statement and reflect that although grief is unique to the person, perhaps the same fear, doubt, and questions are not. And if so many mothers experienced similar loss and have happy families, perhaps it is possible for hope and grief to coexist.
3. Don’t Say “It Just Wasn’t Meant To Be”
I hated hearing “it just wasn’t meant to be.” It stung and felt so cold. However, time has proven that things have turned out the way they were maybe supposed to be. Having another baby was incredibly healing for me. But even before that, I started on new projects to work through the pain. I learned new hobbies and found things I enjoyed doing. This eventually lead to my blog about home decor, DIY projects, and life in general. I often share furniture flips and other things I learned how to do while healing from the loss of a baby I never got to hold.
My name is Katie and I blog about home decor at wallsofwonderland.com. I’m a mom of 2 and was diagnosed with PCOS at 16.
4. Not All Advice Is Good Advice
I wouldn’t have gotten through it without the support of those who experienced it, but I will say that I talked to someone who had a rare situation where she had 3 in a row, and she had previously been open with me about it, so I opened up to her about my experience and I was really surprised that I came away from her feeling dreadful. She projected onto me her recurring situation and left me feeling like that could be imminent for me, like drawing illogical comparisons and conclusions. It isn’t always easy when someone seeks support, but thankfully some others had great judgment with what to say to me to make me feel better, and I just tried to learn from all of it.
5. You Join A Tribe Of Women
My precious cousin who just recently experienced this trauma herself described it as entering into a tribe of women who have gone before her and suffered the depth of pain that only the death of one’s unborn child brings. This tribe of women know, however, that with deep pain comes the opportunity for incredible growth and an even greater longing for life. Each of these women know that the cavern of excruciating anguish inside her soul can lead to an immense strength and an even greater passion to fight for her family. What that strength and passion looks like is different for each woman. From Our Adoption Story: Miscarriage (x7)
Lindsay Leiviska, M.A. is a homeschool mom of three, (two biological and one through special needs adoption). She is the founder of A Heart for All Students, an organization with a mission to empower moms raising outside-the-box kids for a life of confidence and purpose. To learn more, visit www.aheartforallstudents.com
6. You Are Not Alone
To the miscarriage mamas reading this: I know the pain of empty arms and felt the same bitterness you feel as you watch other families grow. Every day I think about my angel baby without a name. I’ve walked the same difficult path you’re treading, and if you ever need to vent, please reach out so we can cry together. To all mothers who never got to meet their beloved babies: I am so sorry. It is appropriate to grieve, and I pray that you have the space to do so. From Out of Darkness: My Journey Through Miscarriage.
Rachel DeBoer is the blogger behind Chrysalosity, a lifestyle blog encouraging women to flourish.
“And grief is not something you complete, But rather, you endure. Grief is not a task to finish. And move on, But an element of yourself – An alteration of your being.” — Grief by Gwen Flowers
Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day
In honor of Pregnancy and Loss Remembrance Day, grieving parents are invited to light a candle at 7 p.m., wherever they live. That light will create a wave of light around the world to honor “loved and longed for babies.” For more information, click the History of the International Wave of Light.
Related: The Baby That Never Was