It is unbelievable that it has been four years since you died. I feel now as I felt then, you left us too soon. It was hard. The hardest moment of life. I grieved and I still do. I don’t have a childhood memory without you in it. You shaped who I am, and I wouldn’t be me without you. So how strange it is that as an adult my biggest moments have been without you. Because of that, I stopped missing you the way I did four years ago. My grief transformed into a sadness. I am so sad for all the moments that you have missed. I wish you could come back just for one day, for one moment, so I could tell you about all the things you’ve missed.
You Missed My Wedding
A day I never imagined without you. I tried to bring your spirit to the day. But it was hard. All I wanted was to look into your green eyes and see them light up. I longed to hear your laughter on the dance floor. You told me you would get married at our parent’s house. So I did. Maybe I did it as a way to connect to your spirit? I didn’t get to see you that day. Were you looking down on us that day?
You Missed My Son’s Birth
You told me when I was engaged that you were going to be an aunt. Something I looked forward to, but hadn’t expressed to a soul. He is almost 2 now. A spitfire toddler, a tiny dictator, spreading joy and chaos with a tornado like momentum. It’s simply the best. But, always, I feel a tear in the piece of my heart that you took with you. I can’t wish it was four years ago because then I wouldn’t have my son. I’m gripped with unfettered sadness that you can’t sit with him, talk to him, and enjoy him. I know you would have loved him, spoiled him, and laughed with him. It breaks my soul to know you will never hear his laugh or see the sparkle in his eyes. And he will never know you, except through the stories we tell.
You Missed Our Parent’s As Grandparents
Oh my dear sister, you should see them. They are soft! They are silly! They are not the disciplinarians we knew as kids. In fact, I can’t imagine them disciplining a child at all. Do they even know the word no? They bring cookies and toys. They sing and dance constantly. They are so happy, joyously happy. You would have a good belly laugh watching them.
You Missed Your Thirtieth Birthday
Maybe you celebrated in heaven with the other good ones that died too soon. But we didn’t get to celebrate you, with you, on your 30th birthday. We all remembered you, but it was so hard, because we couldn’t picture you past your 26th year. Instead we focused on the life that could’ve been. Would you have wanted a dinner party? A night on the town? A quiet night in? We will never know. You left us far too soon.
You Missed Finding Your Soulmate
Who was he? Was he quirky, fun and a chef? Was he manly, funny and sweet? Who made your heart flutter? What did he look like? Did you know him already or had you not met him yet? We will never know. We never got to see you settled. We never watched you walk down the aisle wearing white with dad. I would give anything to see you in a wedding dress with your true love.
I Missed You
It’s not all about moments that you missed. I missed seeing you too. I missed seeing you become a mother. For me, motherhood changed me completely. It gave me a life with purpose. I think it would have been the same for you. You had such passion. You would have given your entire self to your child. I wish more than anything I could have seen it.
It’s been a long time without you now. We would need more than a day to catch up on all the moments you’ve missed. One day, sweet sister, I know I’ll see you again. And at that time, I’ll catch you up on all that you’ve missed.
For more personal stories, read Why I Don’t Need A Lot Of Friends.